WHY DOES THIS KNOT ON MY HEAD HURT SO MUCH

By Aleksandra Djordjevic

*AI - generated translation,
published with the author's permission 

The first time we disagreed, my husband said, “Well, that’s pure nonsense!” There are certainly many gentler, subtler, and more tactful ways to disagree, but this one is among the most direct.

Did I love him more at that moment? On the contrary, it shook my foundations. Yet every day after that, I loved him more, because he never pandered to me, fed my vanity, or flattered me. We worked on mutual acceptance, which meant that even in disagreement we acknowledged one another’s autonomy.

Intelligent people are often put off when we try to win over with clichés and instant psychological tricks. They’ve seen it before ― learned it, recognized it as insincere. But when we show genuine interest, even those obscure places, somewhat foolish and unfamiliar, begin to reveal their meaning and purpose.

And yet, disagreement still hurts. It is a test of the depth and the limits of a relationship. It hurts until the moment we recognize our own worth and rise above opinions. “I think, therefore I am” ― but what I think is not necessarily who I am. What I think is subject to change.

Still, when someone we love, respect, and trust disagrees with us, it feels like a small betrayal. We would most like to cling to our weak spots at the edge of their coat and hide how frightened, ashamed, and insecure we are. Because when someone we see as great confirms our point of view, they validate our possible weaknesses and blind spots. Made up that way, we move through the world with confidence.

But can we truly agree about everything with someone who is close and kindred to us? That would be an unsettling ― if not risky ― answer. In that case, I would have to ask myself where my autonomy begins and ends, and whether an idea has become dearer to me than a person.

Since real people are embodiments of different ideas, I would give precedence to the relationship. You may erase me tomorrow when I write a text that exposes your nakedness, but you cannot hide it forever. That is why I ask you to stay until you accept that our feet stand in the same meadow, even though the sun reaches us from different sides.

The last time my husband and I disagreed, I told him that I loved him ― and with that, he agreed.